January 2012
1 tag
Dad: Just try not to be... negative.
Me: I'm not negative!
Dad: You're kind of negative.
Me: I'm decisive. Wait. This is fascinating. I'm not negative.
Dad: Christine.
Me: Am I nuts? Why waste people's time with bullshit when you can just give them facts?
Dad: People like their facts to be framed. Ya know? Like, you can say a shitty thing, but wrap it up in a croissant. Make it a pig in a blanket.
Me: This is awful.
Dad: It shouldn't be stressful. Just be nice.
Me: I AM NICE!
1 tag
1 tag
Met My New BF at Lunch Today
[Waiting for a crosswalk, a two and a half year old boy is standing next to me holding hands with his elder-ish Eastern European nanny. Across the street, a pug is being dragged into a building's lobby by a bored owner.]
Boy [to nanny]: Doggy! It's a doggy! Look!
[Nanny doesn't respond or look down. The boy modifies his emphasis, assuming that he's pronouncing it wrong because he's two and not fluent in English. He shakes her hand so she'll look.]
Boy: Dough-gy. Dah-gEE? Doggy! Over there!
[Nanny continues to ignore human organism displaying genuine interest and enthusiasm for his surroundings. The boy turns to me.]
Boy: It's a dog?
Me: Yep.
[He smiles.]
Boy: Yep. Dog.
Me: Mmhm.
Boy: Not iguana and not squirrel.
Me: Nope.
[The light changes and we walk away into the universe.]
6 tags
1 tag
1 tag
1 tag
2 tags
Tonight at dinner I ended up
explaining to a guy how tampons can give you toxic shock and why, hypothetically, a woman might leave a tampon in so long that she would get toxic shock and die, and then there was a ten minute joke tangent about period culture and menstruation because I like to create a really safe emotional space for my friends to eat in.
Long story short, when I got home just now and was under the impression I...
1 tag
“I had to talk about “my online community” at school the other day,...”
– Jarett
“It’s not the honors and the prizes and the fancy outsides of life which...”
– Mr. Rogers’ commencement address to Dartmouth College, 2002
Once in high school I had
this aging hippie English teacher who spent the better part of the school year trying to set me up with a student (who was gay) without my knowledge or consent. He did this by taking time out of the other student’s class lectures to explain to him what a wonderful girl I was and how many amiable traits I had in front of the other students, and I later learned that the keystone for his theory...
1 tag
1 tag
“We’re all going to die, Johnny. Hit the iron bell like it’s dinnertime.”
– Like an Iron Bell | The Rumpus
How did I not know about Dear Sugar until now?
I Was in the Subway When They Discovered a Severed... →
bobbyfinger:
At 12:30AM Sunday, I thought the reason I wasn’t getting home as early as planned was that piece-of-shit L train. Seven hours later I found out it was because, among other things, of a severed head.
Before arriving at the First Ave, Brooklyn-bound L stop, I received and ignored a text message from a friend that said, “The woman next to me on the sidewalk just saw a decapitated...
Got into the office
and the first thing I did was Google image search “je suis la jeune fille” in an attempt to find that chick from the Muzzy commercials, but ended up with a big screenful of French teens masturbating. Looked over my shoulder and at least three people bore witness to the event.
JUST GETTING STRAIGHT TO WORK, Y’ALL. HOW WAS EVERYONE’S WEEKEND?
1 tag
“At about 10 p.m., straphangers were greeted by the gruesome scene of a man’s...”
– NY Daily News
A followup re: Weeps McTears next to me on the sidewalk last night. Turns out she wasn’t nuts and I’m a butthole.
1 tag
4 tags
1 tag
I overslept, which means I had weird-ass dreams....
letting our long-dead family dog out to poop when he has not been taken out to poop in years, and what that poop would look like. (hint: too big for any single butt.)
sleeping four in a bed and the dude three people away starts jacking off cause he thinks everyone else is asleep, so you say “Oh hi I can hear you,” and he stops.
SpRiNg BrEaK LA 2k12
looking for a tent in the...
1 tag
A conversation I had earlier
Coworker: Are you going to [redacted]'s party tonight?
Me: I don't know what that is, so my guess is no.
Coworker: Oh it's just a little celebration for her birthday at [a bar]. You should come! It will be fun! Do you have anything else to do?
Me: [after a long pause] No.
Coworker: But...
Me: Well, I got these big packages delivered to the office and I have to carry all the stuff home. Plus I kind of had plans to make French toast and watch a documentary about Mennonites on Netflix Instant.
Coworker: Oh.
Me: I'm really looking forward to it, so I think I'm gonna have to say no.
Coworker: Okay. Have fun.
1 tag
Worst people in any office:
People who microwave popcorn.
People who microwave curry.
1 tag
