December 2011
“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.
Because if you are making...”
– Neil Gaiman
5 tags
I feel like terrific is a word
that’s going to die with our moms.
Can’t remember the last time I said terrific, but I feel like it’s every third word in the facebook statuses of ladies 40+.
As we roll into 2012, let’s try to remember that women existed before Bridesmaids and that calling 2011 the year of the funny woman is like me calling the act of finally watching My So Called Life on Netflix Instant its series premiere.
“WORST TV SHOW OF THE YEAR: “Mallory” - Ugh this fucking piece of fucking...”
– Chris Kelly makes me want to be a better man
thatsmyrabbit asked: So I saw your "Nap-to-Bar" makeup tutorial when you posted it and today, for the first time ever, tried applying eyeliner *beneath* my eyelashes. Girl, you make that shit look easy-peasy. Talk about losing a whole lot of confidence in myself after my sad, flickery, watery-eyed attempt.
Top two uncle stories from the holiday season:
One of my uncles is a professor and pulled me aside during my grandmother’s Christmas party to ask if I’d recently seen a sudden spike in traffic on my blog. When I told him, “No,” he explained to me that his university had recently held a conference about how they needed to incorporate wikis and blogging into their courses, and when it came time to pull a blog up on the...
Just want everyone to know
that tonight was the night I realized that Roomba rhymes with Zumba and tried to think of a one sentence joke about a fitness class for vacuum robots but then quit so I could focus more intently on eating fruit snacks while watching TV on DVD like a Botticellian Venus in repose.
Remembered conversations [pt. 18]
First date: I feel like I just told you a lot of embarrassing stuff about myself (ed.: he hadn't), you have to even it out.
Me: Okay. Let me think.
Him: Make it good.
Me: Alright. I sometimes sleep with a mouthguard.
Him: What?
Me: A mouthguard. Like a hockey player wears. It's for when I'm anxious.
Him: Like, a full plastic--
Me: Yeah. Custom-fitted by a dentist. They took a plaster mold of my mouth to make it.
Him: How does that help with anxiety?
Me: Oh, it doesn't. I just think a lot, so when I'm sleeping and stressed I clench my jaw and it overworks the muscles and then my mouth won't open straight. So I wear a mouthguard so I can clench on that instead.
Him: So basically you have a retainer.
Me: It's a lot less sexy than that. It's like inverted dentures. The mouth breathing alone...
Him: It sounds kind of cute.
Me: No it doesn't. Literally nothing about what I just said is cute.
1 tag
My sister: Why are you coming later in a different car? Me: Oh, ya know. I need to do my hair.
Actually: I need to decide which doughnut I want from this box of Dunkin Donuts and then I need to hook my speakers up to my laptop so I can listen to this at full volume and then I’m going to play computer games and have a slice of pizza and find where mom hid the presents so I can peek at what...
1 tag
“It’s really quite lovely when a new baby finally starts to demonstrate the first...”
– Chris Mohney
The Middle East — Blood
Starts hitting its...
1 tag
I defy you to find a better song to ugly dance to....
Gay community apologizes to Minnesota Majority... →
Everything about this is gourmet.
2 tags
Kayne West — Everything I Am
Good morning.
rillawafers asked: You can say whatever you want (ITS YOUR BLOG, GURRRRL) but I've been on the fence about Jenna Marbles being funny and that fake rap video helped me make a decision on that subject. Fake rap, youtube stars, 2011, game over. Thanks for alerting me to that video and helping me make a decision once and for all.
Feist — Now at Last
When I was little and...
1 tag
