Drink your juice.

I can feel my throat getting scratchy, as if to say, “Christine, this post-nasal drip won’t leave me the fuck alone and now I’d like you to cough on it in order to understand what I’m going through.”

And I get that, I do, but I can only drink so much tea and pee so much pee before I start googling alternatives, which is how I discovered that humankind in 2012 has not yet reached a point where I can buy a humidifier helmet.

The closest I can get is this helmet-shaped humidifier that sits on your coffee table and spits out vaporized Glade plug-in status aromatherapy stuff (and probably weed, what do I know) — but what about the people who are sitting in an office and want humidity to land precisely in their lungs? I want the humidity on my dumb head and my dumb head alone, not in the sinuses of the healthful people around me.

I’m trying to think about why, business or health code-wise, this hasn’t happened yet — and the reasons I’ve come up with are:

• people are worried about their hair and makeup
• helmets leave weird dents in your skin like when you fall asleep on your hand or something
• you look dumb wearing a helmet
• maybe you’d asphyxiate (probably)

None of that matters, though. Fuck an aesthetic. I just wanna breathe rill smooth.