Drink your juice.

I just went and got a coffee at Tim Horton’s

and the drive through guy asked me if I wanted to “make it a combo.”

Naturally, my response was, “What does that even mean?”

I’m sorry, I was under the impression that most people bought their coffees alone — not with like, a baguette or a quesadilla.

He then proceeded to explain to me that, if I consented, I could also get an apple, a muffin, a donut, a sandwich, or a cookie. As he went down the list I was mentally going, “No, no, no, no…” until he reached cookie.

“Hmm,” I thought, “depending on the cookie, that might be an option I’d be willing to look into.”

So I asked him what kinds of cookies he had in there, and he laughed — LAUGHED — at me through the speaker and told me that I’m “funny.”

I’m still not sure why. Is the expectation that I have the menu memorized? Are you banking on the notion that every customer knows the difference between a number 1 and a number 2? Plus, cookie varieties weren’t listed on the sign (it just said “cookie”), so I’m not really sure how else I was supposed to know.

I kind of heh-ed and then was like, “But no seriously, what kinds of cookies are we working with?”

He listed off a bunch of benign sounding options (“Well, let me seeeeee… I’ve gotttt…”), and I ordered an oatmeal raisin and pulled up to the window.

Once I got there, he proceeded to hand me each thing that I’d ordered in a separate container. The coffee first.  He closed the window. Then the cookie in its own little bag. He closed the window. Then a complimentary apple in its own little bag.

By the time the third bag came along I said something to the effect of, “Well this is an awkward situation.” He laughed and asked me why. “I mean, couldn’t you have put them all in one bag? Wouldn’t that be easier for everybody?”

He laughed again — LAUGHED — like I’d told a joke, and told me to have a “wonderful day.”

I can’t help but feel like I completely missed whatever was “happening” in that interaction. There’s probably poop in my coffee. Or the complimentary apple is laced with peyote.

In the words of Lucille Bluth, “I do not understand the question and I will not respond to it.”