Drink your juice.

You cannot say you are a follower of the guy who said love your enemies and do good to those who hate you. The next line isn’t, “And if that doesn’t work send a titanium fanged dog to rip his nuts off.” Jesus lays on that hippie stuff pretty thick. He has lines that say, “Do not repay evil with evil,” and, “Do not take revenge on someone who wrongs you.” Really. It’s in that book you hold up when you scream at gay people.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but non-violence was kind of Jesus’ trademark. Kind of his big thing. To not follow that part of it is like joining Greenpeace and hating whales. I mean there’s interpreting and then there’s just ignoring. It’s just ignoring if you’re for torture, as are more evangelical Christians than any other religion. You’re supposed to look at the figure of Christ on the cross and think, “How could any man suffer like that and forgive?” not, “Romans are pussies, he still has his eye.”

If you go to a baptism and you hold the baby under until he starts talking, we’re missing the message. Like, apparently, our President who says he gets scripture on his Blackberry every morning, but who says on 60 Minutes anyone who questioned if Bin Laden should have been assassinated should have their head examined. Hey, Fox News, you missed a big headline: Obama thinks Jesus is nuts. To which I say, “Hallelujah,” because my favorite new government program is surprising violent religious zealots in the middle of the night and shooting them in the face. Sorry, Head Start, you’re number two now.

See, I can say that because I’m a non-Christian, just like most Christians.

Christians, I know, I’m sorry, I know you hate this and you want to square this circle but you can’t. I’m not even judging you, I’m just saying logically, if you ignore every single thing Jesus commanded you to do you’re not a Christian, you’re just auditing. You’re not Christ’s followers, you’re just fans. And if you believe the earth was given to you to kick ass on while gloating, you’re not really a Christian, you’re a Texan.